Doppleganger

This morning I was sitting in front of a mirror John broke. Sometimes he gets so upset he bangs his head. And I snapped a pic. I looked at it… Dirty, broken, incomplete; I thought this is my life. Those things but also colorful, happy, still believing there’s good in the world. I will be the good in the world. It may still be broken but I’m finally ok with my reflection. Are you? #ArtHeals #ArtTherapy #OhanaHouse

Hookers & Booze

A colleague/troll just argued with me that saying I was going to spend donations on hookers and booze was a bad move, marketing-wise, as people who do donations have higher moral standards. I respectfully disagree. I feel like if hookers and booze are what you need then people will want you to have your hookers and booze and also maybe the donators are hookers who would sympathize and give up their booze. And last who are you to determine if hookers

and booze are godly, God? Shut up hooker and drink your booze. I had a couple more points but this has degenerated into an attempt to say hookers and booze as many times as possible. Ok I’m done. Anyways thanks for listening, I thank all you hookers and your booze and raise my glass to yous. Ok really done now. Hookers and booze. Sorry, now I am. #TryingToMake #HookersAndBooze #Viral #ItsAboutDamnTime #OhanaHouse

C Is For Cookie

I can’t remember if I’ve ever painted my son but I sketched one today for John. My son doesn’t talk much and what he does say is in a sort of code. So we use pictures for a lot, and usually I can decipher his meaning. We understand each other, most of the time. Often when he’s caught being naughty he blames a mysterious monster. Or as he says a mysterious mystery. I’ve never seen the dude myself so I remain skeptical. One time when I was totally fed up with him and yelled “why are you doing that?!” He started sobbing and said “I’m a monster!” And my heart just dropped. Just broke into a billion pieces. I was about to start sobbing myself when he started laughing hysterically. He crawled in my lap, 8 years old and too big really but he insists. And he still belly laughs like a toddler too, hysterical giggles that make everyone smile. I asked what was so funny and he explained the best he could, replying “Im a cookie monster.”. He couldnt think of anything else to say and told me hi a few times but I understood. “That’s right kid you just lose your shit sometimes. I know you’re trying and are a really good boy. Ain’t no shame in really loving cookies either.” I thought about how when I was little my mom and I had this game where we’d take turns saying I love you more than _______ and naming things we liked. I looked and my little monster was literally climbing a wall but it’s better than on the roof so I decided to just let him. I said instead “I love you more than cookie monster loves cookies buddy.” He just ignored me but maybe ill put this on the back of the painting and he’ll read it one day and know I really really do. #Autism #ArtHeals #ArtTherapy #OhanaHouse

Hush Lil Baby Don’t Say A Word

This is Robert. (If you pass out at my house we’re gonna take a selfie. Grief does not excuse you. Rules are rules.) I refer to him as my son, it’s easier, but obviously he’s not mine. Christina calls me the Angelina Jolie of the avenues, due to the color variation of my adopted kids. Anyways I dropped the phone and his foot looks really swollen. I started to move it then told myself get a grip Amber this isn’t your 8 year old. Checking out someone’s feet while they sleep is creepy and will weird him out. So ima sit here and stare at him until he wakes up, instead.

Hello, I Love You Won’t You Tell Me Your Name

This morning I took a cab to walmart to pick up phones I ordered. As I waited I thought how much safer id be with one. I also got a restraining order today. I thought about how that didnt make me feel safe, Bryon and I broke up awhile ago but it wasnt goodbye though he literally ripped the house apart. How could a paper stop that? That order feels like goodbye though and when I thought of that and realized for the first time in a long time I wasnt scared relief washed over me and I let go of the anger and adrenaline id been surviving on. I also lost that buffer and finally it hit me. This really is goodbye. And I crumbled into a sobbing ball on the floor of walmarts site to store. Luckily no one saw me but, they would have thought someone died. That’s how it felt really. I pulled myself together and got home but I cant stop mourning. I can’t stop crying. And I wrote this long thing because I dont want to talk about it. I don’t want to answer how I’m doing or explain my tears aren’t for missing him, I won’t go back now, but I cry because I may always miss him. I don’t need to be reminded about how he treated me like shit or broke me, cuz you can’t understand I was already broken, and so was he, so I forgive him because for awhile, even if it was a lie, together we felt whole. When Ohana died I felt like our love died too. Ohana means family but we have to leave one behind and mine is broken, my dreams like my love really was gone. I dont know if your love was real but i didn’t imagine how we almost fit together and how a no contact order cant be goodbye when my heart is going with you. And though i may now be heartless my love remains. Maybe its sick but its all i have left and since all you had to give me was your anger you must go too. I may be a fool for giving you my heart or letting you steal my love but take them theyre yours. They always were. I know its pathetic but if all you have to give me is your anger I’ll take it. Let it go and leave it with me, after i mourn ill put it back on and use it to keep whats left of me safe from you. Even if my broken pieces didnt fit I hope my love reminds you that you arent too broken to love, and you dont need someone in pieces to feel whole, or to force them to love you – you need to force yourself to love your broken pieces. It may make me a fool but I love and will miss those too. Goodbye.

Everyone’s A Critic

I tell people I can’t draw and they say no way but I give you exhibit A. I was trying to show JoJo how I’d make a tiny house with 2 barn shed kits. The writing says “There’s a barn under there. Trust me.
Which reminded me of my favorite art critics review. OK it was my friend Misty in my hall. She said Its like a mime that says “hey im in a box.”
I nodded, hey I’ll take it and added “only it’s not a mime at all its a killer clown and its not a box its your coffin!”
We laughed and I hugged her, and I never saw her again. If you feel trapped in a box please please talk to someone. You are loved.

Why I’m One And Done

Just got back from Del Taco where I got to watch a set of toddler twins go up into the play structure… and refuse to come out. I laughed and laughed (its happened to me before too) until I saw their mom start to panic a little, and offered to go up myself and get them. She said “Aren’t you afraid you’ll get stuck?”. Lady, that wouldn’t even make the top 10 list of embarrassing shit that’s happened to me. Anyways the slide was pretty fun.