I said before the presidential race should be decided via beer pong but now I have a serious question. So I dont really follow politics, I tried but I block them out like the traumatic events they are. That means I dont know enough to form much of an opinion but I do a lot of business internationally and leave the country often. I’m often forced into making some comment in defense of choices I didn’t make. They always… ALWAYS want to know why we voted for Trump. The ones that dont wonder pat me condescendingly and say something along the lines of “well of course you guys wanted a reality star, how American of you and who can really tell you all apart anyways.”. My life is one long awkward moment but having foreign strangers embarrassed for you takes the cake. Takes the cake, smashes it in its own face making grunting noises while it eats and spitting on anyone who comes near. Making that guy president would probably make more sense than Trump to the Europeans since as they’re also fond of informing me, our food is disgusting too. I have no real defense of any of that, we are coming up on the anniversary of the turducken after all. Climate and increased costs in food production explains one and for the other I fall back on the same argument I use for why we put cheese on everything: because we can, that’s why. Also we wanted to see what would happen. Arrogant impulsiveness is kinda our jam so that works on 99.9% of the inquiries about cultural differences such as, “what the hell is wrong with you people? Is it inbreeding?”
But when it comes to the president I find myself feeling like I need to apologize to the world for interrupting the grown-ups conversation. I mean even if Trump literally brought about world peace the dude would still be a bit embarrassing. He’s like a walking stereotype – unhealthy, arrogant, ignorant, lacking in self control. Cartoonists dont have to exaggerate his negative traits – he’s already seen as a cartoon buffoon, a caricature would be redundant. And though even a 5 year old appreciates a good fart joke no one wants to hear it while they’re trying to eat. If the world sat down to Thanksgiving dinner we would be banished to the little table is all I’m saying. Im down for chicken nuggets and tiny desserts but even the kids would rather take their mom to prom than sit with you and even the creepy uncle who is at the table by choice is worried being seen with you will ruin his reputation. So you get stuck at the corner of the table which isn’t really a place setting at all and you end up stuck awkwardly holding your plate in your lap and wishing it was the kind of party where you get to place a curse on the hosts firstborn. I could just say “I’m just here for the free food” – it explains why he ran for president, but not why we aren’t all pretending we dont even know that guy, he’s just someone our creepy uncle got pregnant and was forced to marry. And even though I just wrote a long rant when I constantly tell people to not talk politics, I know I’m being hypocritical and I’m aware its superficial and prejudiced to not want him to dinner just because I’m afraid everyone at the table is gonna point out he shows all the physical signs of having been exposed to large quantities of alcohol as a fetus. So I’m appealing to those of you that are in the know. Please share: I need to know what Trump has done that is useful as president. I’m ready to sit with the grown-ups and learn so beyond proving to the world once and for all we literally dont give a fuck what they think, they aren’t the boss of us.. how is the Trump making the presidency great? I almost said great again so you’d get my little joke and play on words but I know the rumors arent true, we aren’t all idiots.
Really It doesn’t even have to be great, even if I could share a couple stories about times he tried really hard and was a good sport, they’d at least understand why we might keep him around as a decoy for assassins, or just so we’d feel better about who we are as humans – it could be worse eh? All I’ve been able to find that we can for sure say was probably not taken seriously enough to be harmful is a bunch of tweets. While it’s nice to know he’s almost writing a sentence (it’s cool bro, me too.), it doesn’t do much for the argument against inbreeding. Which makes us doubly guilty because guess who gets blamed when a dinner guest keeps humping the waiters leg and has shown signs of lifelong brain damage? The ones who gave them life, that’s who. I dont know about you guys but I think I’m going to change the subject to something less volatile by responding that sometimes a person can be anti abortion but still see where it would be a viable option sometimes. Things aren’t black or white and sometimes you think you’re getting an oxymoron until you realize you overshot and all you got was a moron. And he’s humping your leg. You just gotta laugh I guess cuz truth is leg-humping is always funny when its happening to someone else and we really did want to see what’d happen. We did it for science. I’m also tired of being told they hope money grubbing doctors dont kill me or get me hooked on pills when I’m out sick instead of just sending a card like civilized folk so screw it. I’ll just say I’m Canadian.