This morning I took a cab to walmart to pick up phones I ordered. As I waited I thought how much safer id be with one. I also got a restraining order today. I thought about how that didnt make me feel safe, Bryon and I broke up awhile ago but it wasnt goodbye though he literally ripped the house apart. How could a paper stop that? That order feels like goodbye though and when I thought of that and realized for the first time in a long time I wasnt scared relief washed over me and I let go of the anger and adrenaline id been surviving on. I also lost that buffer and finally it hit me. This really is goodbye. And I crumbled into a sobbing ball on the floor of walmarts site to store. Luckily no one saw me but, they would have thought someone died. That’s how it felt really. I pulled myself together and got home but I cant stop mourning. I can’t stop crying. And I wrote this long thing because I dont want to talk about it. I don’t want to answer how I’m doing or explain my tears aren’t for missing him, I won’t go back now, but I cry because I may always miss him. I don’t need to be reminded about how he treated me like shit or broke me, cuz you can’t understand I was already broken, and so was he, so I forgive him because for awhile, even if it was a lie, together we felt whole. When Ohana died I felt like our love died too. Ohana means family but we have to leave one behind and mine is broken, my dreams like my love really was gone. I dont know if your love was real but i didn’t imagine how we almost fit together and how a no contact order cant be goodbye when my heart is going with you. And though i may now be heartless my love remains. Maybe its sick but its all i have left and since all you had to give me was your anger you must go too. I may be a fool for giving you my heart or letting you steal my love but take them theyre yours. They always were. I know its pathetic but if all you have to give me is your anger I’ll take it. Let it go and leave it with me, after i mourn ill put it back on and use it to keep whats left of me safe from you. Even if my broken pieces didnt fit I hope my love reminds you that you arent too broken to love, and you dont need someone in pieces to feel whole, or to force them to love you – you need to force yourself to love your broken pieces. It may make me a fool but I love and will miss those too. Goodbye.